Once upon a time around the turn of the century there was a small Irish Catholic boy named Johnny O'Reilly who lived with his parents in the slum area of Chicago.
Theirs was a poor family even though both his parents worked. That didn't bother Johnny too much for all his Dogan friends were in the same pot, and most of the time it was just the way things were. You couldn't do anything about it, so you ignored it most of the time.
In the other times, Johnny resented being poor with a passion, for he had a secret love that he revealed to almost no-one. He loved balloons, worshipped them, fantasised about them, and he was so damned poor that he never had any money to buy a few to satisfy the cravings in his inner soul.
One bitterly cold November day, after a snowfall of several inches, Johnny was squatting on the curb of his street, daydreaming of all the balloons he could buy if he only had some money.
Father Duggan, the local priest, coming home from a meeting with the Bishop where he had been soundly lectured on his failure to pay enough attention to the poor in his parish, happened to notice him and seeing the sad expression on his face stopped to investigate.
"Johnny, me boy", he called out, "What in the world are you doing out here squattin' in the snow in such a bitter cold day as this is?"
Johnny looked up at the priest with eyes nearly brimmin' over with tears and said, "Oh, Father. I'm just sittin' here thinkin' of all the balloons I could buy if I only had me some money."
The Priest thought on this for a moment, then realising that he could fulfil some of the Bishop's directives at very little cost to himself, said,
"Johnny, I want you to come with me up to the Manse and we'll see what we can do about such a terrible situation. I've got a wee bit of snow that you can shovel."
So Johnny perks right up and follows the priest up to the church house, gets issued with a huge snow shovel and starts to work shovelling the snow off the driveway. It's a huge driveway, two lanes, packed snow, and man, oh, man it's long, must be a couple of hundred feet from the street up to the side of the house.
Sweet, sweet Mary, mother of Jaysus, this is hard bloody work, but he keeps at it because all the time he's shovelling the only thing on his mind is all the balloons he's going to buy with the money he's going to get for a job this size.Finally he gets the job done and it's taken all morning and he goes to get the priest and tells him he's done the job.
Father Duggan comes out of the Manse to inspect the work and he's very impressed.
"Johnny, me boy, you're doin' a foin job!" he says, "A worker truly worthy of his hire. Now come around back, there's a little more out here."
So Johnny follows him around the back of the Manse and Holy Mary, Mother of Jaysus, there's a great big four carriage garage and barn for the horses and about 50 more feet of driveway. He's dead tired but he sets to work because he just knows that when he's finished he's going to be a BALLOONIONAIRE !!!
He can see them all:
long ones,
short ones,
thin ones,
fat ones,
all colours,
the kind that fart and fly when you blow them up and let them go.
Riches beyond belief will be his when he gets finished.
He finally finishes the job and goes to get the priest who comes to the door, looks out and says," Johnny. It's a foin job you've done today and your truly deserving a just reward."
He reaches down into his pocket and pulls out a great wad of coins that fairly takes Johnny's breath away.
Johnny held out his hand, and the priest picked through all the silver dollars and quarters and suchlike and finally pulls out a nickel and drops it into Johnny's palm.
" There, my boy", he says, "What do you think of that?"
Johnny looks at the nickel, looks back at the priest, looks at the nickel again, looks back at the priest and says,
"Thank you, Virgin Father."
The priest reared back in shock and says
"Johnny" he says, "Do you know what that word Virgin means?
Johnny looks him straight in the eye and says," Aye, sir, I do.
My father says it's a tight cunt and you REALLY ARE!!!
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