The Magic Penis

A SUITABLE PUNISHMENT FOR THIS GUY

A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, 'Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... the Magic Penis!'

The husband said, 'The what'?

The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.

The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'

The man then pointed to the door and said, ' Magic Penis, door!'

The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, ; that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said, 'Magic Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.

The husband bought it and took it home to his wife. After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said 'Magic Penis, my crotch.' The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.

On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.'

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 
'Yeah right... Magic Penis, my ass...!'

The rest, as they say, is history...

A Last Wish Fulfilled

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The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of Ottawa. He motioned for his nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

"I would really like to see Ex prime-ministers Jean Chretien and Brian Mulroney before I die," whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father." replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to the Prime ministers office and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived that the former prime-ministers were delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, Jean commented to Brian "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us but it will certainly help our images and might even get me re-elected someday." Brian, agreed that it was a good thing.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Brian's hand in his right hand and Jean's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face. Finally Brian Mulroney spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

"Amen," said Brian.

"Amen," said Jean.

The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same." !!

The Difference Between Potentially and Realistically

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A young boy went up to his father and asked him,

'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to, fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in, a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him,

'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars.

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a homo