The Centipede

-->A fellow I know was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, (100 leg bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink.
So he asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?

But there was no answer from his new Pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, 'How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?'

But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
He decided to ask him one more time: this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting,
'Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?


A little voice came out of the box: 'I heard you the first
time! I'm putting my fucking shoes on!'

Kenny the Rooster

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George had about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he desperately needed chicks to replenish his flock and keep egg production maximized. He went down the road to the next farmer, explained his problem, and asked if he had any roosters that he would sell.

His neighbour thought about it for a while and then said

“George, you’ve got a real problem there. Normally you’d have to get about ten roosters to service that many hens and even then it’s going to take some time. You need a quick fix but I've got this great rooster, named Kenny, he'll service every chicken you got, no problem. He’s done his job here and I can spare him, but he doesn’t come cheap."

Kenny the rooster cost $3,000!!! It’s a lot of money, but the George decided he'd be worth it, so he bought Kenny.

The farmer took Kenny home and sat him down in the barnyard and gave the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now, Kenny. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. I need you to do a good job. Take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Kenny seemed to understand, The farmer pointed toward the hen house and Kenny took off like a shot.

WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked but actually quite pleased with his purchase.

A little while later, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen. Sure enough, Kenny is in there and WHAM! He nails them all!!

Shortly after that the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese.

At sunset George sees Kenny out in the fields hunting quail and pheasants and he is worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.

Sure enough, George goes to bed and woke up the next morning to find Kenny on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air.

Buzzards had already begun circling overhead.

George, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive animal, shook his head and said, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Kenny opened one eye, nodded toward the buzzards circling in the sky and whispered,

"Go away!!! .. They’re getting closer."