A Story for a Crackpot

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots,

each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck.

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One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect.

It always delivered a full portion of water.

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At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house,

the cracked pot arrived only half full.

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For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home

only one and a half pots of water.► ◄
Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments.► ◄
But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection,

and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.► ◄
After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure,

It spoke to the woman one day by the stream.

I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak

out all the way back to your house.'► ◄
The old woman n smiled, 'Did you notice?

There are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?'► ◄
'That's because I have always known about your flaw,

so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path,

and every day while we walk back, you water them.'► ◄
'For two years I have been able to pick

Beautiful flowers to decorate the table.► ◄
Without you being just the way you are, there would not be

This beauty to grace the house.'► ◄
Each of us has our own unique flaw. It's the cracks and flaws we have

that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding.► ◄
You've just got to take each person for what they are

and look for the good in them.► ◄
SO, my crackpot friend have a great day

Remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path!

▼

► ◄

▲

Tragedy for George Dubya

President' Bush was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.

'No,' said Bush, 'that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand:

'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside,

that would be a tragedy.'

'I'm afraid not,' explained the president. 'That's what we would call great loss.'

The room went silent. No other children volunteered.

Bush searched the room.

'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand...In a quiet voice he said:

'If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs. Bush was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantstic!' exclaimed Bush. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'

'Well,' says the boy, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a fucking accident either'.

A Story with a Moral

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, Oh, oh, I'm in deep dodo now! Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. Whew! says the leopard, That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine! Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, What am I going to do now?, but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story

Don't mess with old ones...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience!

Common Sense Versus Technology

A cowboy was herding his cows in a remote mountain pasture when suddenly a brand-new Hummer roared up, crashing gears and with thundering exhaust advanced out of a dust cloud towards him and screeched around in a skid stop in front of the cowboys horse.

This made his horse jump and startled several cows that the cowboy had to round up and calm down in the hot sun. The cowboy was mildly irritated when he returned to the Hummer and encountered the driver. This individual stood beside his large red, white and blue painted Hummer leaning against its fender.

He was a young man with a beautiful Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a Skull and Bones tie. His hair was perfect, his smile dazzling, he quickly strode over to the cowboy as he dismounted and nearly crippled his hand in a crushing dry palmed handshake that lasted forever.

They exchanged names, and George took off on a great tale of his harrowing but extremely trip up to here in his Hummer, and he was certain that "Mr.? Yes Herbert, wasn't it? Yes, anyay he was certain he, from his lonely life, must also be bored , and in the spirit of fair play, he was offering a diversion problem that would break the monotony.

George asked Herbert, "If I can tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Herbert, (who's Saturday night poker opponents know to be a calculating vicious mean spirited son of a bitch at the best of times), calmly considered the offer for few seconds, sized up the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answered, "Sure, Why not?" But you've got to give me a challenge and return it if I win."

"Why of course, thats the sporting American way," says the yuppie.

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few inutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

Herman grinned broadly "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves."

He watches the young man select one of his animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

"Now isn't the sporting American way, my turn?" asked Herbert, "before you take off , if I can tell you what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

George thinks about it for a second and then says, "Of course, why not?"

You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required,.Sonny," answered the cowboy. "There were 6 things obvious in your whole act

1. You showed up here wrapped in American colours to inspire my patriotism and loyalty

2. You showed up here even though nobody called you.

3. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked

4. You tried to show me how much smarter than me and. you screwed up.

5. Your ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet has a flaw and you didn't have the update from Windows. Your system counts the legs of the critters, divides the result by four and comes up with a result. Your wrong in your count in that you totally ignored all those false returns from the low hanging ball sacks of the 14 bulls I've got out there, and

6. you don't know a goddamn thing about cows .

Now

"Take my fucking dog out of your trunk!!" A cowboy was herding his cows in a remote mountain pasture when suddenly a brand-new Hummer roared up, crashing gears and with thundering exhaust advanced out of a dust cloud towards him and screeched around in a skid stop in front of the cowboys horse.

This made his horse jump and startled several cows that the cowboy had to round up and calm down in the hot sun. The cowboy was mildly irritated when he returned to the Hummer and encountered the driver. This individual stood beside his large red, white and blue painted Hummer leaning against its fender.

He was a young man with a beautiful Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a Skull and Bones tie. His hair was perfect, his smile dazzling, he quickly strode over to the cowboy as he dismounted and nearly crippled his hand in a crushing dry palmed handshake that lasted forever.

They exchanged names, and George took off on a great tale of his harrowing but extremely trip up to here in his Hummer, and he was certain that "Mr.? Yes Herbert, wasn't it? Yes, anyay he was certain he, from his lonely life, must also be bored , and in the spirit of fair play, he was offering a diversion problem that would break the monotony.

George asked Herbert, "If I can tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Herbert, (who's Saturday night poker opponents know to be a calculating vicious mean spirited son of a bitch at the best of times), calmly considered the offer for few seconds, sized up the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answered, "Sure, Why not?" But you've got to give me a challenge and return it if I win."

"Why of course, thats the sporting American way," says the yuppie.

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few inutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

Herman grinned broadly "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves."

He watches the young man select one of his animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

"Now isn't the sporting American way, my turn?" asked Herbert, "before you take off , if I can tell you what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

George thinks about it for a second and then says, "Of course, why not?"

You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required,.Sonny," answered the cowboy. "There were 6 things obvious in your whole act

1. You showed up here wrapped in American colours to inspire my patriotism and loyalty

2. You showed up here even though nobody called you.

3. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked

4. You tried to show me how much smarter than me and. you screwed up.

5. Your ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet has a flaw and you didn't have the update from Windows. Your system counts the legs of the critters, divides the result by four and comes up with a result. Your wrong in your count in that you totally ignored all those false returns from the low hanging ball sacks of the 14 bulls I've got out there, and

6. you don't know a goddamn thing about cows .

Now

"Take my fucking dog out of your trunk!!" A cowboy was herding his cows in a remote mountain pasture when suddenly a brand-new Hummer roared up, crashing gears and with thundering exhaust advanced out of a dust cloud towards him and screeched around in a skid stop in front of the cowboys horse.

This made his horse jump and startled several cows that the cowboy had to round up and calm down in the hot sun. The cowboy was mildly irritated when he returned to the Hummer and encountered the driver. This individual stood beside his large red, white and blue painted Hummer leaning against its fender.

He was a young man with a beautiful Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a Skull and Bones tie. His hair was perfect, his smile dazzling, he quickly strode over to the cowboy as he dismounted and nearly crippled his hand in a crushing dry palmed handshake that lasted forever.

They exchanged names, and George took off on a great tale of his harrowing but extremely trip up to here in his Hummer, and he was certain that "Mr.? Yes Herbert, wasn't it? Yes, anyay he was certain he, from his lonely life, must also be bored , and in the spirit of fair play, he was offering a diversion problem that would break the monotony.

George asked Herbert, "If I can tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Herbert, (who's Saturday night poker opponents know to be a calculating vicious mean spirited son of a bitch at the best of times), calmly considered the offer for few seconds, sized up the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answered, "Sure, Why not?" But you've got to give me a challenge and return it if I win."

"Why of course, thats the sporting American way," says the yuppie.

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few inutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

Herman grinned broadly "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves."

He watches the young man select one of his animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

"Now isn't the sporting American way, my turn?" asked Herbert, "before you take off , if I can tell you what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

George thinks about it for a second and then says, "Of course, why not?"

You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required,.Sonny," answered the cowboy. "There were 6 things obvious in your whole act

1. You showed up here wrapped in American colours to inspire my patriotism and loyalty

2. You showed up here even though nobody called you.

3. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked

4. You tried to show me how much smarter than me and. you screwed up.

5. Your ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet has a flaw and you didn't have the update from Windows. Your system counts the legs of the critters, divides the result by four and comes up with a result. Your wrong in your count in that you totally ignored all those false returns from the low hanging ball sacks of the 14 bulls I've got out there, and

6. you don't know a goddamn thing about cows .

Now

"Take my fucking dog out of your trunk!!" A cowboy was herding his cows in a remote mountain pasture when suddenly a brand-new Hummer roared up, crashing gears and with thundering exhaust advanced out of a dust cloud towards him and screeched around in a skid stop in front of the cowboys horse.

This made his horse jump and startled several cows that the cowboy had to round up and calm down in the hot sun. The cowboy was mildly irritated when he returned to the Hummer and encountered the driver. This individual stood beside his large red, white and blue painted Hummer leaning against its fender.

He was a young man with a beautiful Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a Skull and Bones tie. His hair was perfect, his smile dazzling, he quickly strode over to the cowboy as he dismounted and nearly crippled his hand in a crushing dry palmed handshake that lasted forever.

They exchanged names, and George took off on a great tale of his harrowing but extremely trip up to here in his Hummer, and he was certain that "Mr.? Yes Herbert, wasn't it? Yes, anyay he was certain he, from his lonely life, must also be bored , and in the spirit of fair play, he was offering a diversion problem that would break the monotony.

George asked Herbert, "If I can tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Herbert, (who's Saturday night poker opponents know to be a calculating vicious mean spirited son of a bitch at the best of times), calmly considered the offer for few seconds, sized up the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answered, "Sure, Why not?" But you've got to give me a challenge and return it if I win."

"Why of course, thats the sporting American way," says the yuppie.

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few inutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

Herman grinned broadly "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves."

He watches the young man select one of his animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

"Now isn't the sporting American way, my turn?" asked Herbert, "before you take off , if I can tell you what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

George thinks about it for a second and then says, "Of course, why not?"

You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required, .Sonny," answered the cowboy. "There were 6 things obvious in your whole act

1. You showed up here wrapped in American colours to inspire my patriotism and loyalty

2. You showed up here even though nobody called you.

3. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked

4. You tried to show me how much smarter than me and. you screwed up.

5. Your ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet has a flaw and you didn't have the update from Windows. Your system counts the legs of the critters, divides the result by four and comes up with a result. Your wrong in your count in that you totally ignored all those false returns from the low hanging ball sacks of the 14 bulls I've got out there, and

6. you don't know a goddamn thing about cows .

Now

"Take my fucking dog out

of your trunk!!"

The Catfood Diet

The other day I ran into an old acquaintance I had not seen since a couple months ago when she had returned from a one week vacation to Las Vegas with a friend. Her husband had been forced to survive on his own for all that time and she feared his wrath.

She was very surprised to be happily welcomed home, given a big hug, and profusely thanked for her thoughtfulness for leaving him all those cans of gourmet snacks that he had really, really liked. She recalled nothing of the kind, until he pulled the last can of her cat food from the cupboard. She so informed him.

It didn’t matter what it might be, He liked it and he ordered her to stock up with several cases of assorted flavors. She had been on her way to pick up the stuff when I last saw her, and she now proceeded to bring me up to date. She had recently seen the pet dealer from whom she had gotten the pet food, and he had enquired about her husband.

“Oh, he died” she said.

“From the cat food? he asked.

“Oh, Heaven’s no! she answered.

“He got up one morning to have his morning pee, gave himself a great big stretch. But he had developed a very bad habit. When he curled over to lick his balls he lost his balance, toppled over, and broke his neck!”