The Centipede

-->A fellow I know was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, (100 leg bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink.
So he asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?

But there was no answer from his new Pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, 'How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?'

But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
He decided to ask him one more time: this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting,
'Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?


A little voice came out of the box: 'I heard you the first
time! I'm putting my fucking shoes on!'

Kenny the Rooster

-->

George had about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he desperately needed chicks to replenish his flock and keep egg production maximized. He went down the road to the next farmer, explained his problem, and asked if he had any roosters that he would sell.

His neighbour thought about it for a while and then said

“George, you’ve got a real problem there. Normally you’d have to get about ten roosters to service that many hens and even then it’s going to take some time. You need a quick fix but I've got this great rooster, named Kenny, he'll service every chicken you got, no problem. He’s done his job here and I can spare him, but he doesn’t come cheap."

Kenny the rooster cost $3,000!!! It’s a lot of money, but the George decided he'd be worth it, so he bought Kenny.

The farmer took Kenny home and sat him down in the barnyard and gave the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now, Kenny. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. I need you to do a good job. Take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Kenny seemed to understand, The farmer pointed toward the hen house and Kenny took off like a shot.

WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked but actually quite pleased with his purchase.

A little while later, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen. Sure enough, Kenny is in there and WHAM! He nails them all!!

Shortly after that the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese.

At sunset George sees Kenny out in the fields hunting quail and pheasants and he is worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.

Sure enough, George goes to bed and woke up the next morning to find Kenny on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air.

Buzzards had already begun circling overhead.

George, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive animal, shook his head and said, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Kenny opened one eye, nodded toward the buzzards circling in the sky and whispered,

"Go away!!! .. They’re getting closer."

A Story for a Crackpot

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots,

each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck.

► ◄

One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect.

It always delivered a full portion of water.

► ◄

At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house,

the cracked pot arrived only half full.

► ◄
For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home

only one and a half pots of water.► ◄
Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments.► ◄
But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection,

and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.► ◄
After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure,

It spoke to the woman one day by the stream.

I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak

out all the way back to your house.'► ◄
The old woman n smiled, 'Did you notice?

There are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?'► ◄
'That's because I have always known about your flaw,

so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path,

and every day while we walk back, you water them.'► ◄
'For two years I have been able to pick

Beautiful flowers to decorate the table.► ◄
Without you being just the way you are, there would not be

This beauty to grace the house.'► ◄
Each of us has our own unique flaw. It's the cracks and flaws we have

that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding.► ◄
You've just got to take each person for what they are

and look for the good in them.► ◄
SO, my crackpot friend have a great day

Remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path!

▼

► ◄

▲

Tragedy for George Dubya

President' Bush was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.

'No,' said Bush, 'that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand:

'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside,

that would be a tragedy.'

'I'm afraid not,' explained the president. 'That's what we would call great loss.'

The room went silent. No other children volunteered.

Bush searched the room.

'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand...In a quiet voice he said:

'If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs. Bush was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantstic!' exclaimed Bush. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'

'Well,' says the boy, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a fucking accident either'.

A Story with a Moral

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, Oh, oh, I'm in deep dodo now! Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. Whew! says the leopard, That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine! Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, What am I going to do now?, but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story

Don't mess with old ones...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience!

Common Sense Versus Technology

A cowboy was herding his cows in a remote mountain pasture when suddenly a brand-new Hummer roared up, crashing gears and with thundering exhaust advanced out of a dust cloud towards him and screeched around in a skid stop in front of the cowboys horse.

This made his horse jump and startled several cows that the cowboy had to round up and calm down in the hot sun. The cowboy was mildly irritated when he returned to the Hummer and encountered the driver. This individual stood beside his large red, white and blue painted Hummer leaning against its fender.

He was a young man with a beautiful Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a Skull and Bones tie. His hair was perfect, his smile dazzling, he quickly strode over to the cowboy as he dismounted and nearly crippled his hand in a crushing dry palmed handshake that lasted forever.

They exchanged names, and George took off on a great tale of his harrowing but extremely trip up to here in his Hummer, and he was certain that "Mr.? Yes Herbert, wasn't it? Yes, anyay he was certain he, from his lonely life, must also be bored , and in the spirit of fair play, he was offering a diversion problem that would break the monotony.

George asked Herbert, "If I can tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Herbert, (who's Saturday night poker opponents know to be a calculating vicious mean spirited son of a bitch at the best of times), calmly considered the offer for few seconds, sized up the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answered, "Sure, Why not?" But you've got to give me a challenge and return it if I win."

"Why of course, thats the sporting American way," says the yuppie.

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few inutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

Herman grinned broadly "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves."

He watches the young man select one of his animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

"Now isn't the sporting American way, my turn?" asked Herbert, "before you take off , if I can tell you what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

George thinks about it for a second and then says, "Of course, why not?"

You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required,.Sonny," answered the cowboy. "There were 6 things obvious in your whole act

1. You showed up here wrapped in American colours to inspire my patriotism and loyalty

2. You showed up here even though nobody called you.

3. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked

4. You tried to show me how much smarter than me and. you screwed up.

5. Your ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet has a flaw and you didn't have the update from Windows. Your system counts the legs of the critters, divides the result by four and comes up with a result. Your wrong in your count in that you totally ignored all those false returns from the low hanging ball sacks of the 14 bulls I've got out there, and

6. you don't know a goddamn thing about cows .

Now

"Take my fucking dog out of your trunk!!" A cowboy was herding his cows in a remote mountain pasture when suddenly a brand-new Hummer roared up, crashing gears and with thundering exhaust advanced out of a dust cloud towards him and screeched around in a skid stop in front of the cowboys horse.

This made his horse jump and startled several cows that the cowboy had to round up and calm down in the hot sun. The cowboy was mildly irritated when he returned to the Hummer and encountered the driver. This individual stood beside his large red, white and blue painted Hummer leaning against its fender.

He was a young man with a beautiful Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a Skull and Bones tie. His hair was perfect, his smile dazzling, he quickly strode over to the cowboy as he dismounted and nearly crippled his hand in a crushing dry palmed handshake that lasted forever.

They exchanged names, and George took off on a great tale of his harrowing but extremely trip up to here in his Hummer, and he was certain that "Mr.? Yes Herbert, wasn't it? Yes, anyay he was certain he, from his lonely life, must also be bored , and in the spirit of fair play, he was offering a diversion problem that would break the monotony.

George asked Herbert, "If I can tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Herbert, (who's Saturday night poker opponents know to be a calculating vicious mean spirited son of a bitch at the best of times), calmly considered the offer for few seconds, sized up the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answered, "Sure, Why not?" But you've got to give me a challenge and return it if I win."

"Why of course, thats the sporting American way," says the yuppie.

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few inutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

Herman grinned broadly "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves."

He watches the young man select one of his animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

"Now isn't the sporting American way, my turn?" asked Herbert, "before you take off , if I can tell you what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

George thinks about it for a second and then says, "Of course, why not?"

You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required,.Sonny," answered the cowboy. "There were 6 things obvious in your whole act

1. You showed up here wrapped in American colours to inspire my patriotism and loyalty

2. You showed up here even though nobody called you.

3. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked

4. You tried to show me how much smarter than me and. you screwed up.

5. Your ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet has a flaw and you didn't have the update from Windows. Your system counts the legs of the critters, divides the result by four and comes up with a result. Your wrong in your count in that you totally ignored all those false returns from the low hanging ball sacks of the 14 bulls I've got out there, and

6. you don't know a goddamn thing about cows .

Now

"Take my fucking dog out of your trunk!!" A cowboy was herding his cows in a remote mountain pasture when suddenly a brand-new Hummer roared up, crashing gears and with thundering exhaust advanced out of a dust cloud towards him and screeched around in a skid stop in front of the cowboys horse.

This made his horse jump and startled several cows that the cowboy had to round up and calm down in the hot sun. The cowboy was mildly irritated when he returned to the Hummer and encountered the driver. This individual stood beside his large red, white and blue painted Hummer leaning against its fender.

He was a young man with a beautiful Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a Skull and Bones tie. His hair was perfect, his smile dazzling, he quickly strode over to the cowboy as he dismounted and nearly crippled his hand in a crushing dry palmed handshake that lasted forever.

They exchanged names, and George took off on a great tale of his harrowing but extremely trip up to here in his Hummer, and he was certain that "Mr.? Yes Herbert, wasn't it? Yes, anyay he was certain he, from his lonely life, must also be bored , and in the spirit of fair play, he was offering a diversion problem that would break the monotony.

George asked Herbert, "If I can tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Herbert, (who's Saturday night poker opponents know to be a calculating vicious mean spirited son of a bitch at the best of times), calmly considered the offer for few seconds, sized up the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answered, "Sure, Why not?" But you've got to give me a challenge and return it if I win."

"Why of course, thats the sporting American way," says the yuppie.

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few inutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

Herman grinned broadly "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves."

He watches the young man select one of his animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

"Now isn't the sporting American way, my turn?" asked Herbert, "before you take off , if I can tell you what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

George thinks about it for a second and then says, "Of course, why not?"

You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required,.Sonny," answered the cowboy. "There were 6 things obvious in your whole act

1. You showed up here wrapped in American colours to inspire my patriotism and loyalty

2. You showed up here even though nobody called you.

3. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked

4. You tried to show me how much smarter than me and. you screwed up.

5. Your ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet has a flaw and you didn't have the update from Windows. Your system counts the legs of the critters, divides the result by four and comes up with a result. Your wrong in your count in that you totally ignored all those false returns from the low hanging ball sacks of the 14 bulls I've got out there, and

6. you don't know a goddamn thing about cows .

Now

"Take my fucking dog out of your trunk!!" A cowboy was herding his cows in a remote mountain pasture when suddenly a brand-new Hummer roared up, crashing gears and with thundering exhaust advanced out of a dust cloud towards him and screeched around in a skid stop in front of the cowboys horse.

This made his horse jump and startled several cows that the cowboy had to round up and calm down in the hot sun. The cowboy was mildly irritated when he returned to the Hummer and encountered the driver. This individual stood beside his large red, white and blue painted Hummer leaning against its fender.

He was a young man with a beautiful Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a Skull and Bones tie. His hair was perfect, his smile dazzling, he quickly strode over to the cowboy as he dismounted and nearly crippled his hand in a crushing dry palmed handshake that lasted forever.

They exchanged names, and George took off on a great tale of his harrowing but extremely trip up to here in his Hummer, and he was certain that "Mr.? Yes Herbert, wasn't it? Yes, anyay he was certain he, from his lonely life, must also be bored , and in the spirit of fair play, he was offering a diversion problem that would break the monotony.

George asked Herbert, "If I can tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Herbert, (who's Saturday night poker opponents know to be a calculating vicious mean spirited son of a bitch at the best of times), calmly considered the offer for few seconds, sized up the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answered, "Sure, Why not?" But you've got to give me a challenge and return it if I win."

"Why of course, thats the sporting American way," says the yuppie.

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few inutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

Herman grinned broadly "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves."

He watches the young man select one of his animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

"Now isn't the sporting American way, my turn?" asked Herbert, "before you take off , if I can tell you what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

George thinks about it for a second and then says, "Of course, why not?"

You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required, .Sonny," answered the cowboy. "There were 6 things obvious in your whole act

1. You showed up here wrapped in American colours to inspire my patriotism and loyalty

2. You showed up here even though nobody called you.

3. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked

4. You tried to show me how much smarter than me and. you screwed up.

5. Your ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet has a flaw and you didn't have the update from Windows. Your system counts the legs of the critters, divides the result by four and comes up with a result. Your wrong in your count in that you totally ignored all those false returns from the low hanging ball sacks of the 14 bulls I've got out there, and

6. you don't know a goddamn thing about cows .

Now

"Take my fucking dog out

of your trunk!!"

The Catfood Diet

The other day I ran into an old acquaintance I had not seen since a couple months ago when she had returned from a one week vacation to Las Vegas with a friend. Her husband had been forced to survive on his own for all that time and she feared his wrath.

She was very surprised to be happily welcomed home, given a big hug, and profusely thanked for her thoughtfulness for leaving him all those cans of gourmet snacks that he had really, really liked. She recalled nothing of the kind, until he pulled the last can of her cat food from the cupboard. She so informed him.

It didn’t matter what it might be, He liked it and he ordered her to stock up with several cases of assorted flavors. She had been on her way to pick up the stuff when I last saw her, and she now proceeded to bring me up to date. She had recently seen the pet dealer from whom she had gotten the pet food, and he had enquired about her husband.

“Oh, he died” she said.

“From the cat food? he asked.

“Oh, Heaven’s no! she answered.

“He got up one morning to have his morning pee, gave himself a great big stretch. But he had developed a very bad habit. When he curled over to lick his balls he lost his balance, toppled over, and broke his neck!”

A Problem With Generic Viagra

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day:

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

The Hundred Buck Deal

One day a large black limousine pulled up in front of the local tattoo parlor, and the occupant was helped from it by a large and surly looking chauffer. He left the vehicle and followed his chauffer who preceded him into the tattoo parlor and looked all around before his boss entered. The owner had observed his arrival and concluded from his coiffeur, manner, cashmere jacket and suit that he had to be a “Mafioso” in Don Gotti’s image.

The customer approached the artist and told him, “It doesn’t matter how much it will cost. How long will it take to tattoo the design of a One Hundred U.S. Dollar bill around my cock.

The owner recoiled and told him that he had to have a very good reason to have this done for the pain would be terrible, or he just wouldn’t do it.

The customer replied that pain didn’t bother him at all. He wanted it done. The sooner the better and besides he had three very good reasons:

1. He liked to stand with his hands in his pockets and he liked to feel money when he did.
2. He liked to feel his money grow, and
3. Best of all, every once in a while his wife asked him for a hundred bucks to blow.

He got his tattoo.

Dear Mr. Minister

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a t.v. cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.
For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have on my social insurance card, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight goddamn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SHIT!

I apologize, Mr. Minister. I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my @#&in' address. What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthals assholes workin' there!

Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach.

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another @#%in copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??

Nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the @#%in' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some asshole to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (@#%in morons)

Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off!

Signed - An Irate @#%ing Canadian Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 when one of my forefathers took up arms against the Americans.
I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the yingyang. I was aide de camp to the lieutenant governor of our province for ten years and I have been doing volunteer work for the RCMP for about five years. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST @#%ing CHINA!!!

The Last Perogie

An elderly Ukrainian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite Ukrainian perogies with fried onions wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. Downstairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favourite perogies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the perogies was already in his mouth. With a trembling hand he reached for a perogie at the edge of the table,

When suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.

"Fuck off." she said. "They're for your funeral."

Why Men Can Pee Standing Up

God was just about done creating humans when he got down to two parts left.

He couldn’t decide how to split them between Adam and Eve so he decided he’d just go ahead and ask them.

He told them one of the things he had left over was a thing that would allow the owner to pee standing up.

“It’s a very handy thing” God told them “and I was wondering whether one of you have a preference for it?”

Well Adam jumped up and down and begged, “Oh please give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that. It seems just the thing for a man to have! Please!! Please!! Give it to me.”

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam wanted it that bad she had no objection.

Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place: first on a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away- laughing with delight all the time.

God and Eve watched him with amusement and the God said to Eve “Well, I guess you’re stuck with the last thing I have left.”

Eve timidly asked, “What is that”

God gave a nasty little chuckle and then said

“Brains”

Just a Minor Detail

It seems there was an Irishman wanting to buy himself a horse. So he went to the open market, which is a place in Ireland where people sell things, among which are ... horses. Well, he saw one that he liked and asked the price.

Paddy, who was selling the horse, said to him, "Well, now, I'll be sellin' you this horse but I feel there's something I need to tell you first."

Well, the man wanted to know what that was.

Paddy said, "Well, it seems he has a strange habit of wanting' to sit on bananas."

Now, the man thought Paddy was crazy! "Sit on bananas?"

"Yes," Paddy said. "It seems he likes to sit on bananas."

Now the man thought about this and realizing there weren't all that many bananas in the whole of Ireland figured it was a good bargain and he bought the horse.

As soon as he'd paid for the horse, he got on it and began to ride. Well, it was a good horse. It galloped across the market, it leaped over the hedges, it ran down the roads and jumped the fences and soon it began to approach a narrow stream.

The man thought, "This is a grand horse. Surely it'll clear this small stream." when, all of a sudden, just as its hooves touched the water, it promptly came to halt and sat in the water!

The man went flying through the air and landed in a bush. He ripped his coat and put a nasty gash in his arm. But he pulled the horse up and got back on and galloped across the meadow, ran up the road, jumped the fences, leaped over the hedges and galloped across the market until he stopped it right by Paddy!

The man jumped off the horse and began to yell, "What sort of a stupid animal did you sell me

Well," began Paddy, "I told you she was a bit strange ... that she liked to sit on bananas, didn't I?"

"WHAT?" shouted the man? "Bananas? I galloped her across the market, I leaped her over hedges, ran her up the road, jumped her over fences and when I came to a small stream she stopped dead in her tracks and sat in the water! I tore my coat and gashed my arm!"

"Ooooh," began Paddy. "I forgot to tell you ... she also likes to sit on fishes ..."

A Really Considerate Friend

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. ‘Don’t worry!, I have a plan, Cheers!'

They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think more I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub. Maybe I should have told you but you were having such fun sucking it I couldn’t ruin it for you.

A Logical Conclusion

A blind man walked into a bar, made his way to a bar stool and

ordered a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yelled to the bartender,

 "Hey, You want to hear a blonde joke?"

 The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice

the woman next to him said, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is

only fair that you should know five things:

 1.      The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2.      The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3.      I'm a six-foot-tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in

karate.

4.      The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional

weightlifter.

5.      The lady to your right is blonde and a professional

wrestler.

 She concluded by smugly asking, 

"Now think about it seriously, mister, do you still want to tell that

joke?"

 The blind man thought for a second, shook his head and muttered, 

"Nah!” Not if I’m going to have to explain it five fucking times."

Six Classic Affairs

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt before he left.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, “I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said:
"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf again!"
The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted and in due time, the wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son but recoiled in horror when shown the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
"Not this time!"
The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home
"I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" she exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"
The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, and then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said,” pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, “have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a God damned thing."
The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this

place?"
The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his

business down here."
The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to,” his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied,” now just rest and let the poison work."

The Blind Salesman

A woman went into Wal-Mart to buy her grandson a rod and reel for his birthday.

She didn’t know which one to get so she grabbed one and went over to the counter.

A salesman with dark glasses was standing there so she asked him, “excuse me, can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”

He Replied, “Yes, madam. I’m completely blind but if you’ll drop the rod on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.”

She doesn’t believe him, but drops the rod on the counter.

“That’s a six foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and ten pound line. It’s a good combination and it’s on sale this week for only $59.99.

“It’s amazing that you were able to tell all that just from the sound, I’ll take it,” but as she opened her purse her credit card dropped to the floor.

“ Why that’s a Visa card” he said.

The lady is amazed. As she bent down to pick up her card she could not help cutting an audible fart that seemed to last forever. She was extremely embarrassed, but then she realized there was no way the salesman could tell who had farted. She was safe.

The clerk rang up the sale and said, ” That will be $$69.98.

The woman was totally confused by all this and asked. “How did you get that? You told me it was on sale for $59.99.”

“You're correct madam,” he replied, “but that didn't include $10 for the Duck Call and Fish Bait!”

The Old Rooster

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. When he arrived the new rooster strutted over to the old rooster and said “OK. Old Fart. Time for you to retire”.

The old rooster said, "Come on, surely you can’t handle all of these hens. Can’t you just let me have those two old ones in the corner?”

The young rooster said, "Beat it, Granddad, You”re all washed up and I’m taking over

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop”.

The young rooster laughed “You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I’ll give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, was sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when all of a sudden; he saw the roosters running by. The Old Rooster was squawking and running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabbed his shotgun and - BOOM – he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shook his head and said, “Darn! Darn! Darn!”

That’s the third gay rooster I’ve bought this month!”

Moral of this story?

DON”T MESS WITH OLD FARTS! 

Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery
always overcome youth and arrogance

The Three Wishes

One fine day in Ireland, a young man was out golfing and teed up his ball on the 16th hole. He smashed the golf ball with his driver. Unfortunately, his drive went into the woods. He walked down the fairway and went looking for his ball.

He stepped off the fairway and into the rough and there lying under a tree, unconscious, a large bump on his head, was a strangely dressed little green man with the golf ball lying next to him.

"Goodness," said the golfer, and proceeded to revive the poor little guy.

Upon awaking, the little man said, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."

The man said, "I can't take anything from you for correcting a hurt that I myself caused, Sir. I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly."

The man then turned and walked away.

Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thought to himself, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three wishes anyway, but I wonder what a young man like him would want.

This required a great deal of thought but finally the little man came to a decision as to the nature of these gifts and why:

He had noticed how badly the man must have sliced his ball to get it to come way over here and bonk him on the head so he gave him a great game of golf.

He had noticed the man was poor as was shown by his shabby shoes and really atrocious set of clubs so he granted the young man all the money he would need.

Finally he had noticed that the man was young, in the prime of his life so for good measure he granted him a good sex life with all the sex he would want.

A year went by and the same golfer went golfing on the same course at the 16th hole and once again hit his drive into the very same woods. He went off searching for his ball and there under the same tree was his ball and holding it, was the little green man.

He approached the little fellow and asked how he was doing.

The leprechaun said, "Why I’m just fine, sir, and might I be asking how your golf game is going?"

The young man replied "Why, it’s great! I hit under par every time. Why do you ask?"

“Well, I have to confess that despite your refusal when we last met; I went ahead and granted you three wishes anyway. I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?"

The golfer said, "Well, now that you mention it, whenever I need money, I put my hand in my pocket and there it is. The exact amount I need and I don’t even have to count it."

"Well, I did that for you too. And might I ask how your sex life is?"

The golfer looked at him a little shyly and said, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."

The leprechaun was floored and stammered, "What? Only once or twice a week?"

To which the young man defensively replied

"Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

A Hockey Joke That Only a Canadian Can Appreciate ...

Two boys were playing hockey on a pond in the park in Toronto when one was attacked by a rabid Pit Bull.

Thinking quickly, the other boy took his stick, wedged it down the dog's collar and twisted it, breaking the dog's neck.

A reporter who was strolling by saw the incident and rushed over to interview the boy.

"Young Leafs Fan Saves Friend from Vicious Animal," he started writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Leafs fan," the little hero replied.

"Sorry, since we are in Toronto, I just assumed you were," said the reporter and started again.

"Little Jays Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook.

"I'm not a Jays fan either," the boy said

"I assumed everyone in Toronto was either a Leafs or Jays fan. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Montreal Canadiens fan." the child said.

The reporter started a new sheet in his notebook and wrote,”Little French Bastard from Montreal Kills Beloved Family Pet."