Top Dog

A young man was driving around the back woods of Tennessee when he saw a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: “Talking Dog for Sale”

He stopped, picked his way through the car parts and garbage on the weed patch that served as a lawn, climbed up the rickety stairs to the porch and rang the bell.

The owner appeared, a somewhat grumpy individual, and told him the dog was in the backyard and of course it was all right to go see him.

“Stupid question!!”

The man went into the back yard and saw a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

As soon as he saw the young man, the dog jumped up, trotted over and sat down in front of him.

“Do you talk?” the young man asked.

“Of course I do” replied the dog, “do you have a problem with that?”

The man was stunned. Recovering from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he said,

“No, of course not, it’s wonderful, but what's your story?”

The Lab looked up and said, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I joined the toughest branch of the armed services...the United States Marines. You know one of their nicknames is 'The Devil Dogs. I surpassed their standards and in no time I was an instructor in sneaky nasty stuff. I rewrote the entire U.S.M.C. manual on deception and false propaganda, got a field promotion to Top Dog and then I disappeared. My identity was classified as a Black Box secret. Then there was 9/11.”

The CIA immediately commandeered me from the Marines and assigned me to the White House to advise the President on fact fabrication. I worked closely with Rove and Chaney. Using their advice and my inborn talent for creative fiction I wrote all of President Bush’s speeches leading up to the invasion of Iraq. That was real fun but then we got the war started and they didn’t need me anymore so I had to get back to real work with the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders. No one ever figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for five years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.

I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover Homeland security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in, sneaking into airports and stuff. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just sort of semi-retired.”

The guy is amazed. He went back in and asked the owner what he wanted for the dog.

“Ten dollars,” the guy says.

The young man is incredulous. “Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”

'Because he's such a bullshitter ...

He never did any of that shit.

He was in the Navy!'