Slightly Naïve

One day a husband took his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.’ when they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'

Wow, that's great!' the husband said .. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.  'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have se x with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'  

The genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.  After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, ‘how old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

'No Kidding,' he said.

 "Thirty-five years old? 

and

You still believe in Genies?" 

The Painter

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A beautiful blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman', and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs that she could do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50 ?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, 'Does she realise that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?'

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it ?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes", the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50, and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.

"And by the way" the blonde added, "It's not a Porch, it's a Lexus".

The Power of Tin

 The Power of Tin



An RCMP officer stopped at a ranch up in Iron Mountain, B.C. and talked with the old ranch owner.

He told the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegaly grown drugs.”

The old rancher said, 'Okay, but don't you dare go in that field over there.'

The RCMP officer verbally exploded saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.'

Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displayed it to the farmer.

'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish on any land. No questions asked or answers given.

 Have I made myself clear?

Do you understand?'

The old rancher nodded politely and went about his chores.

Later, the old rancher heard loud screams and spied the RCMP officer running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer and the officer is clearly terrified.

The old rancher immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

“Your badge!

Show him your fucking badge!”

The Defective Parrot

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Clyde went into a pet store one day and spied a parrot sitting on a perch beside a sign reading “Talking parrot $200”

'Wow,' said Clyde . “Can you really understand and speak English?'

The parrot answered, 'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, and philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology.. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion.'
Clyde looked at the $200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' said the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!'

“Hold on,” Clyde said. “If you don’t have any feet how can you sit on that perch.

'Well,' the parrot said, 'this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers.'
Clyde offered $20 and walked out with the parrot.

Weeks went by. The parrot was sensational. He had a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. Clyde was delighted.

One day Clyde came home from work and the parrot went, 'Psssst,' and motioned him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the UPS man.’

'What are you talking about?' asked Clyde.

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' Clyde asked incredulously. 'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' Clyde exclaimed. 'And she let him?'

'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over.....'

The frantic Clyde demanded, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'

'Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off the bloody perch!'

A Lot of Bull

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherited the family ranch, but unfortunately, after just a few years, they were in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they needed to purchase a bull so that they could breed their own stock.

Since the brunette sister was more capable when it came to business it fell to her to arrange a purchase so she did.

When she was ready to leave and pick up the bull, the brunette told her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrived at the man's ranch, inspected the bull, and decided she wanted to buy it. The man told her that he would sell it for $599, no less. The brunette was delighted because she had only taken $600 to buy the bull.

After paying him, she drove to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walked into the telegraph office, and said, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explained that he'll be glad to help her, then added, it will cost 99 cents a word.
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realized that she would only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and said, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shook his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explained,
'My sister's blonde.
The word is big.
She'll read it very slowly....
'come
-for
-da
-bull.'

WIND FROM BEHIND

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A fart it is a pleasant thing, it gives the belly ease,

It warms the bed in winter, and suffocates the fleas.

A fart can be quiet; a fart can be loud,

Some leave a powerful, Poisonous cloud

A fart can be short, or a fart can be long,

Some farts have been known to sound like a song...

A fart can create a most curious medley,

A fart can be harmless, or silent, and deadly.

A fart might not smell, while others are vile,

A fart may pass quickly, or linger a while...

A fart can occur in a number of places,

And leave everyone there, with strange looks on their faces.

From wide-open prairies, to small elevators,

A fart will find all of us sooner or later.

That farts are all bad, is simply not true

We must never forget... old farts like you!

Kinda brings a tear to your eye - don't it

Rastus and Mandy

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One day Rastus went and bought himself a new used car.

It was a real beauty:

Fire Engine Red, only 4 dents

The lights all worked, & it went like hell.

He was very proud of his new wheels.

He couldn’t wait to show his girlfriend Mandy.

Almost immediately he drove into her driveway and hollered

“Hey, Mandy girl!! Come on outs and take a ride in my new car.”

He jumped out, ushered her into her new chariot and then they took off in a cloud of dust down the road.

He got up to 40 mph and Mandy said: “Oh, Rastus. We’s goin too fast!”

“Hell No Mandy This here’s a almost new used car and it goes a lot faster.”

The speed went up to 60 mph and Mandy screamed; “Oh, Rastus. We’s goin much too fast!

Rastus just laughed and booted his pride up to almost 80 mph but then he suddenly ran out of road.

The car went arse over tea kettle

Airborne

Upside

Downside

Crash

Thump

Bang

Tinkle

Silence.

When Rastus woke up, he crawled out of the wreck and called out

“Mandy! Mandy! I sees you girl! Is you hurt?”

Mandy’s weak voice replied,

“Oh Rastus, I is split from my belly button to my asshole”

Rastus snorted: “I knows that Mandy, I asked,

Is you hurt?”

A Letter from Camp

Dear Mom & Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed    away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dove into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it probably was just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters & buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

Love, Jimmie

The Magic Penis

A SUITABLE PUNISHMENT FOR THIS GUY

A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, 'Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... the Magic Penis!'

The husband said, 'The what'?

The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.

The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'

The man then pointed to the door and said, ' Magic Penis, door!'

The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, ; that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said, 'Magic Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.

The husband bought it and took it home to his wife. After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said 'Magic Penis, my crotch.' The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.

On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.'

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 
'Yeah right... Magic Penis, my ass...!'

The rest, as they say, is history...

A Last Wish Fulfilled

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The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of Ottawa. He motioned for his nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

"I would really like to see Ex prime-ministers Jean Chretien and Brian Mulroney before I die," whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father." replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to the Prime ministers office and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived that the former prime-ministers were delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, Jean commented to Brian "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us but it will certainly help our images and might even get me re-elected someday." Brian, agreed that it was a good thing.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Brian's hand in his right hand and Jean's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face. Finally Brian Mulroney spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

"Amen," said Brian.

"Amen," said Jean.

The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same." !!

The Difference Between Potentially and Realistically

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A young boy went up to his father and asked him,

'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to, fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in, a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him,

'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars.

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a homo

The Big Game Hunter

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A big game hunter walked into a bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. Then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal. He was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks.

The bet was on.

They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.
After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear."

Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle."

He was right.
They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk.
He took a bit longer and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle."
He was right again.
Through the night, he proved his skills again and again,

Every time against a round of drinks.
Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep.
The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.
He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?"
His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you.

You got into bed and put your hand down my panties.
Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced,
"Skunk, killed with an axe."

Sharing in Marriage

The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered

V
V
V
V



'THE TEETH.'