King Arthur and the Witch

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he wouldbe put to death.

The question?....What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone,but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. The price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to thewitch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. Her price was simply to be married to Sir Lancelot, Arthurs best friend.

Young Arthur was horrified.

She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terribleburden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the Preservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question:

"What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life."

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a Horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him.The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half thetime, and the beautiful maiden the other half. Which would he prefer?

Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament.

During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch?

Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....

make YOUR choice before you scrolldown below.

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the timebecause he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life and

The moral of this story is

If you don't let a woman have her own way....

Things Are Going To Get UGLY!!!

The Virgin Priest

Once upon a time around the turn of the century there was a small Irish Catholic boy named Johnny O'Reilly who lived with his parents in the slum area of Chicago.

Theirs was a poor family even though both his parents worked. That didn't bother Johnny too much for all his Dogan friends were in the same pot, and most of the time it was just the way things were. You couldn't do anything about it, so you ignored it most of the time.

In the other times, Johnny resented being poor with a passion, for he had a secret love that he revealed to almost no-one. He loved balloons, worshipped them, fantasised about them, and he was so damned poor that he never had any money to buy a few to satisfy the cravings in his inner soul.

One bitterly cold November day, after a snowfall of several inches, Johnny was squatting on the curb of his street, daydreaming of all the balloons he could buy if he only had some money.

Father Duggan, the local priest, coming home from a meeting with the Bishop where he had been soundly lectured on his failure to pay enough attention to the poor in his parish, happened to notice him and seeing the sad expression on his face stopped to investigate.

"Johnny, me boy", he called out, "What in the world are you doing out here squattin' in the snow in such a bitter cold day as this is?"

Johnny looked up at the priest with eyes nearly brimmin' over with tears and said, "Oh, Father. I'm just sittin' here thinkin' of all the balloons I could buy if I only had me some money."

The Priest thought on this for a moment, then realising that he could fulfil some of the Bishop's directives at very little cost to himself, said,

"Johnny, I want you to come with me up to the Manse and we'll see what we can do about such a terrible situation. I've got a wee bit of snow that you can shovel."

So Johnny perks right up and follows the priest up to the church house, gets issued with a huge snow shovel and starts to work shovelling the snow off the driveway. It's a huge driveway, two lanes, packed snow, and man, oh, man it's long, must be a couple of hundred feet from the street up to the side of the house.

Sweet, sweet Mary, mother of Jaysus, this is hard bloody work, but he keeps at it because all the time he's shovelling the only thing on his mind is all the balloons he's going to buy with the money he's going to get for a job this size.Finally he gets the job done and it's taken all morning and he goes to get the priest and tells him he's done the job.

Father Duggan comes out of the Manse to inspect the work and he's very impressed.

"Johnny, me boy, you're doin' a foin job!" he says, "A worker truly worthy of his hire. Now come around back, there's a little more out here."

So Johnny follows him around the back of the Manse and Holy Mary, Mother of Jaysus, there's a great big four carriage garage and barn for the horses and about 50 more feet of driveway. He's dead tired but he sets to work because he just knows that when he's finished he's going to be a BALLOONIONAIRE !!!

He can see them all:

long ones,

short ones,

thin ones,

fat ones,

all colours,

the kind that fart and fly when you blow them up and let them go.

Riches beyond belief will be his when he gets finished.

He finally finishes the job and goes to get the priest who comes to the door, looks out and says," Johnny. It's a foin job you've done today and your truly deserving a just reward."
He reaches down into his pocket and pulls out a great wad of coins that fairly takes Johnny's breath away.
Johnny held out his hand, and the priest picked through all the silver dollars and quarters and suchlike and finally pulls out a nickel and drops it into Johnny's palm.

" There, my boy", he says, "What do you think of that?"

Johnny looks at the nickel, looks back at the priest, looks at the nickel again, looks back at the priest and says,

"Thank you, Virgin Father."

The priest reared back in shock and says

"Johnny" he says, "Do you know what that word Virgin means?

Johnny looks him straight in the eye and says," Aye, sir, I do.

My father says it's a tight cunt and you REALLY ARE!!!

-

The Hen

Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinko drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.

"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"

The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St. Peter".

Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

This isn’t so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode"

You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".

“Never" replied Brian.

“Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. It was truly wonderful!

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that never happened to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting

"Brian!”

“Wake up you drunken bastard!!”

“You're shitting the bed !!!!!”