No Sex Since 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now.

They dressed, parted and the Sergeant Major resumed his post:

Soon another beautiful young wench approached and engaged in conversation. She eventually asked “When was the last time you had sex , Sergeant Major?

He truthfully replied “Not since 1956, Ma’am.”

A Matter of Values

A Texan, a Frenchman and a Canadian were out riding horses across the prairie in Alberta.

The Texan pulled out an expensive bottle of whiskey, took a shot, then another, and suddenly threw the bottle in the air, pulled out his gun and shot the bottle in mid air.

The Canadian looks at him and said, "What are you doing?! That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!"

The Texan says, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap."

A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the Frenchman pulled out a magnum of champagne, took a few sips, threw the bottle in the air, pulled gun and shot it.

The Canadian couldn’t believe this and said, “What did you do that for? That was an expensive bottle of Champagne!"

The Frenchman said "In France there's plenty of Champagne and bottles are cheap."

So a while later the Canadian pulled out a bottle of beer. Opened it, took a sip, took another sip, and then chugged the rest. He then put the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulled out his gun, turned around and shot the Frenchman.

The Texan, shocked, says, "Why did you do that?"

The Canadian says, "Well, in Canada, we have way too many Frenchmen, but beer bottles are worth a whole dime."

Top Dog

A young man was driving around the back woods of Tennessee when he saw a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: “Talking Dog for Sale”

He stopped, picked his way through the car parts and garbage on the weed patch that served as a lawn, climbed up the rickety stairs to the porch and rang the bell.

The owner appeared, a somewhat grumpy individual, and told him the dog was in the backyard and of course it was all right to go see him.

“Stupid question!!”

The man went into the back yard and saw a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

As soon as he saw the young man, the dog jumped up, trotted over and sat down in front of him.

“Do you talk?” the young man asked.

“Of course I do” replied the dog, “do you have a problem with that?”

The man was stunned. Recovering from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he said,

“No, of course not, it’s wonderful, but what's your story?”

The Lab looked up and said, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I joined the toughest branch of the armed services...the United States Marines. You know one of their nicknames is 'The Devil Dogs. I surpassed their standards and in no time I was an instructor in sneaky nasty stuff. I rewrote the entire U.S.M.C. manual on deception and false propaganda, got a field promotion to Top Dog and then I disappeared. My identity was classified as a Black Box secret. Then there was 9/11.”

The CIA immediately commandeered me from the Marines and assigned me to the White House to advise the President on fact fabrication. I worked closely with Rove and Chaney. Using their advice and my inborn talent for creative fiction I wrote all of President Bush’s speeches leading up to the invasion of Iraq. That was real fun but then we got the war started and they didn’t need me anymore so I had to get back to real work with the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders. No one ever figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for five years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.

I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover Homeland security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in, sneaking into airports and stuff. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just sort of semi-retired.”

The guy is amazed. He went back in and asked the owner what he wanted for the dog.

“Ten dollars,” the guy says.

The young man is incredulous. “Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”

'Because he's such a bullshitter ...

He never did any of that shit.

He was in the Navy!'