The Defective Parrot

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Clyde went into a pet store one day and spied a parrot sitting on a perch beside a sign reading “Talking parrot $200”

'Wow,' said Clyde . “Can you really understand and speak English?'

The parrot answered, 'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, and philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology.. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion.'
Clyde looked at the $200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' said the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!'

“Hold on,” Clyde said. “If you don’t have any feet how can you sit on that perch.

'Well,' the parrot said, 'this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers.'
Clyde offered $20 and walked out with the parrot.

Weeks went by. The parrot was sensational. He had a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. Clyde was delighted.

One day Clyde came home from work and the parrot went, 'Psssst,' and motioned him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the UPS man.’

'What are you talking about?' asked Clyde.

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' Clyde asked incredulously. 'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' Clyde exclaimed. 'And she let him?'

'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over.....'

The frantic Clyde demanded, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'

'Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off the bloody perch!'

A Lot of Bull

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherited the family ranch, but unfortunately, after just a few years, they were in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they needed to purchase a bull so that they could breed their own stock.

Since the brunette sister was more capable when it came to business it fell to her to arrange a purchase so she did.

When she was ready to leave and pick up the bull, the brunette told her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrived at the man's ranch, inspected the bull, and decided she wanted to buy it. The man told her that he would sell it for $599, no less. The brunette was delighted because she had only taken $600 to buy the bull.

After paying him, she drove to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walked into the telegraph office, and said, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explained that he'll be glad to help her, then added, it will cost 99 cents a word.
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realized that she would only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and said, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shook his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explained,
'My sister's blonde.
The word is big.
She'll read it very slowly....
'come
-for
-da
-bull.'

WIND FROM BEHIND

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A fart it is a pleasant thing, it gives the belly ease,

It warms the bed in winter, and suffocates the fleas.

A fart can be quiet; a fart can be loud,

Some leave a powerful, Poisonous cloud

A fart can be short, or a fart can be long,

Some farts have been known to sound like a song...

A fart can create a most curious medley,

A fart can be harmless, or silent, and deadly.

A fart might not smell, while others are vile,

A fart may pass quickly, or linger a while...

A fart can occur in a number of places,

And leave everyone there, with strange looks on their faces.

From wide-open prairies, to small elevators,

A fart will find all of us sooner or later.

That farts are all bad, is simply not true

We must never forget... old farts like you!

Kinda brings a tear to your eye - don't it